Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
🐕🍷
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.