Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
#Caturday
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ibopfufen
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
my mom making me talk to relatives
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.