But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f