Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
This is my pinned tweet
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Steam Forums
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*pronounces patio like ratio