Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Flock of bats
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married