Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.