IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.