me after eating Cheetos
You Might Also Like
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Anime is real
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: