If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
wow he looks just like him
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …