[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Finally!
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.