[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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I’m not lazy
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.