2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent