The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Noted.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve