[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.