John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing