It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?