Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Finished stitching this today 😇
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere