Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!