Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Broom by every window for quick escape.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?