EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.