Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
yeet
Hotels are back
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*