So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*