“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
You Might Also Like
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
😬
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
necessity is the mother of invention