any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣