I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
You Might Also Like
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”