I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually