*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Finally
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..