My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I’m awake but I object,
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”