he was correct
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
me adding lol on a serious message
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet