Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.