If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
This is Sparta
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.