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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
just gave your address to some spiders
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second