Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
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is nasa ok
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.