Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
A small tragedy.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
inventing words: clothing
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
me after eating Cheetos
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that