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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché