I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
nice challenge
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My background check bounced.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.