If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.