-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup