Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
shut up and take my money
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The struggle is real
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.