The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”