*checks Timeline*…
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Called it
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.