A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
You Might Also Like
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
ACED my prostate exam!
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]