[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!