me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.