Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Monday
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*