If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.