If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
They’re not wrong
you have three unread messages
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?