One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
marvel comics have peaked
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.