Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sending in my taxes
Same post same
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.