What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )